I Ain't Passed the Bar But I Know A Little Bit...

After running into my old boss on the street (something that took longer to happen than I would've guessed seeing as my old and new jobs are two blocks apart) and having the girl from my old office come to my new office for a meeting I decided to stop by my old job and say hello.  So last week I did just that.  It was...weird.  While working there we had taken over the office next door and the building guy had come and put a door through to it, but tra la la we just left it sitting there empty.  I walked through the door and the room was not empty, the walls were covered in sketches, a couples of tables were in there for brainstorming.  My initial reaction was this pang of "Oh of course things start getting into motion as soon as I leave".  I struggled for a long time with my decision to leave and do something else because I did feel like it would be a step in a different direction, quite possible the wrong direction, or even a step backwards in terms of ever having a career in the design world.

Then my old coworker walked me out and proceeded to tell me his life story from the past three months and I started to remember that feeling.  That stagnant feeling.  Being around people that I neither particularly liked or disliked, feeling stuck.  I left there with a twinge of what might have been, but the more I thought about it the more I felt I would still be in the exact same spot I was three months ago, there would just be more shit on the walls.

Today at my current job I have just passed the three month 'trial period' mark in which I am no longer an almost employee.  I now have my benefits, etc. etc.  I also got to have a meeting with J.  J is the kind of person who is motherly-ish.  She kind of makes me feel like her niece sometimes.  She's paranoid that I am unchallenged and will become miserable at my job and leave her.  She hints at this regularly telling me to always let her know when I need more work.  I've gotten into this weird position now where I feel like if I'm not crazy busy all day she'll get nervous and fret.  It's to the point where I feel like I can't even take 5 minutes to check my personal email without someone walking up behind me and thinking I need more stuff to do.  

She gave me the big "What is it you want to do?"  "Where do you see yourself?" questions today in our meeting.  I never know what she wants me to say.

At one point she referenced how it could be perceived as a step backwards to be an admin person at an architecture firm when my education lends itself to being a designer in an architecture firm.  For a moment I felt like crying.  I am well aware what it looks like J.  What did she want me to say?  "You can be honest with me" she says, taking on that weird aunt-like familiarity.  No J. I can't say that I took this job because I sat around and did nothing for hours on end at my old job, I can't say that I was making less money as a "designer" than I was in my trial period here as a glorified receptionist, I can't say that I hate when people ask me what I do because the answer makes me feel like a huge failure.  I'm busier, I make more money and work in a nicer office.  That's why I'm here.

I'm happier, but I'm certainly not doing my dream job.  In fact, I wouldn't really have a problem with what I'm doing if my education didn't imply that I should be doing more.  It would be nice if every time someone asked about what I took in school and I said that I have an undergraduate degree in design they didn't immediately follow it up with "Oh so you're an architect?"  No you f'ing moron you have to go to school for 7 years, intern at a firm for 3-5 years and pass a bunch of really difficult and expensive tests.  It's a small miracle for anyone under the age of 30 to be a full blown architect.  Idiot.  Stop asking ignorant questions that make me feel bad about myself.

Authentic Self - End of Month Summary

Boo you whore authentic self.  This month was hard.  It started out as fun month, which I scrapped and replaced with authentic self/pursue your passion.  I guess it is kind of unreasonable to think I would make epic changes in the remaining two weeks.  I really struggled with motivation this month, my head was not in it.  It's okay to have a couple bad weeks or an off month, but what I really want is an ON month, kick ass epic month(s).  I often think about this infomercial for P90X (which was amazeballs and caused me to purchase it).  People apply themselves, work out, like really work out 6 days a week for 90 days, 3 months, and completely transform their bodies.  After 3 months they look like different people, that's epic life changing shit.  So I'm always thinking, what would happen if I really went all out with my monthly goals, what would happen?  I have bursts of inspiration and then a bad day where I'm tired and lazy and don't care.  If for a month, or 3, I really got in the zone and really applied myself, no flaking out, no cheating on my happiness resolutions.  Even as I type this I know that perfection is impossible, and knowing myself bad days are inevitable.  

Turning off the TV has been a great discovery.  It's hard, TV is a seductive little tramp, and it'll be even harder when we're back at full capacity once Melissa returns from her vacation, but I think it's important and am going to turn it off whenever I can and will encourage the roomies to as well.

I made some slight improvements in my budget.  I reduced my random spending by about $50 and cut buying meals down by $70.  I also contributed more to savings than usual this month.  I think this is significant on a tight budget because I didn't have a lot of extra money to begin with so there wasn't any ridiculous spending I needed to cut out. 

I printed out a bunch of pictures I like and taped them to the side of the fridge so I can look at it when sitting at the kitchen table.  Ta daa make-shift office with inspiration board.  

So, I spent most of this month trying to figure out my roadblocks, reading about procrastination, forcing myself to sit in silence in the apartment to get stuff done.  My hope is that next month we can start pushing past them and have more success with my goals.

You Sunk My Battleship

I’m getting fed up with myself and my slowly fading commitment to my project.  I really half-assed this month; I half-assed pursue your passion.  Pursue your passion!  Unacceptable!  Ridiculous!  It’s time to get my head back in the game. 

Game:  You ain’t got the stuff.

Kirby: Shut your dirty whore mouth Game.

Game: Get off the couch and tell me that.

Kirby: Why I oughtta….

Game: You ought to do a lot of things you lazy schlub.  Remember when your plan was to do epic life changing shit?

Kirby: I’m trying!

Game: You’re thinking about trying you lazy hermit.  This is crap, EPIC crap.

Kirby: I will not tolerate any smack from you Game.  I’ll show you.

Game: I’ve been around a long time kid, you ain’t got the stuff.  Get your head out of here.

Kirby: I am going to take your mother out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again Game!  I am going to put soap in your coffee and spit on your burger!  You son of a motherless goat!  Why don’t you go back to your home on whore island?

Game: All talk and no action isn’t going to get you back in.

Kirby: I want my pink shirt back.

Game: Stop being a whiny brat.  That’s it I’m leaving.

Kirby: I own you Game.  That’s right, I created you; I built this.  This is my project and it’s not over until I say it is.  You’re right I need to work on following through with my ideas.  I’m pretty clever; I have a lot of good ideas.

Game: Good ideas are a dime a dozen.

Kirby: Okay Game don’t start quoting my professors from college.

Game: Your mom goes to college.

Kirby: Shut it Game.  I’m putting my foot down; I’m going to start killing it at Happiness Project.  Winning!  That’s what I’m going to do.

Game: A little less talk and a lot more action kid.

Que Sera Sera

I’m on a quest to recapture some piece of my youth this month.  I feel like I became a different person over the past three years, that I disconnected from my old self and became someone different.  Someone not so consumed with disappointment in their failed choices.

What makes you who you are?  Your family, your friends, your relationships, your interests, your education, your career, but all of these things can change.  Maybe your family isn’t going to change, but they could be separated from you by long distances… or die, you may grow apart from your friends, relationships fall apart, what you’re interested in, your education, your career, can all change. 

Your experiences define you, right?  You are the sum of everything that has happened to you.  You are defined by how you choose to deal with everything that has happened to you.  So you are a collection of people, and experiences.  What happens when memories start to fade, and people grow apart?  What happens when the ties that define you start to thin? 

Well then you make new ties; a new collection of people and make new memories.  People aren’t stagnant, they evolve and change.  So what happens when there’s a sudden shift?  No natural progression but an abrupt severing of ties.  I guess some people embrace this change and the opportunity to re-invent themselves.  I don’t know why I feel this strange disconnect, or why I can’t seem to describe it properly.  I guess I want some spark of recognition.  I used to be able to remember myself clearly in different phases of my life.  I could clearly recall specific thoughts that I had as a young child, my attitudes toward things as a teenager.  Even though they were two very different stages of my life, I could remember and relate to them.  I guess, up until recently I felt like I had a strong sense of self.  A big part of the happiness project is cultivating a strong sense of self through my resolutions which are all aimed at making me my best version of myself, cultivating qualities that I find admirable.  The hard part is to make sure I’m staying true to who I am and not trying to fit myself into some idealized mold.

Frequently I find myself asking, “What do I want”, “What do I like to do?”  Often the answer is, “I don’t know” which makes me uncomfortable.  At my interview for my new job I got asked the where do you see yourself in 5 years question and the thought that ran through my find was “Well obviously not to still be a glorified receptionist”, which I didn’t say of course, but the true answer to that question is that I honestly don’t know.  I should know, shouldn’t I? 

I often think about that line from the Sunscreen Song: "Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young."  I don't think my furture lies in my past.  I'm not looking for answers in the past, I'm just looking to reconnect with myself by doing, or re-doing things that used to resonate with me. 

Me Me Me

A blog is a very self absorbed thing.  Me me me.  The happiness project is very me me me as well.  Sometimes I wonder if I would do better at certain resolutions if I lived alone.  I have P90X dvds that I like to do, and in theory if I followed the schedule for 3 months I should get ripped.  The dvds would need to be done in my living room, which is a problem when you have two roommates.  Maybe now and then I could do one, but not 6 times a week without banishing the entire household.  Flash and I spend almost all of our non-work time together, so his presence is obviously a big influence on how I spend my time.  Even though my behavior may seem selfish and lazy at times when I retreat to my room or seem shut down, I think I'm having a hard time being 'selfish' or focusing on myself the way I want to.  I don't know if there's a word for that, but focusing on other people prevents me from focusing on myself and instead I bum around the house feeling frustrated.  I can't say for certain that I would do better on these things if I lived alone, but it would certainly eliminate a lot of the excuses for not being as productive as I think I should be.

But where's the balance?  Can I focus on myself and still be a good friend?  A good girlfriend?  Is this an issue of motivation and procrastination or is this one of those me vs we relationships issues?  I need a happy place, a space to work on things.

Like Sands Through the Hourglass

So this weird identity crisis I’ve been going through for the past while has made me think a lot about my childhood; why I am the way I am, what things shaped my personality, my interests, my strengths and my weaknesses.  I used to be able to recall so clearly countless memories from my young childhood but now I’m finding even some of my teenage memories to be less clear.

I’ve been trying to capture some sense of myself at that time.  I recently hunted down an old PS1 video game that I adored (just in time because technology was about to eclipse me) and spent an embarrassing amount of time playing it.  I’ve started reading more, and am about to start reading a huge book that I probably read four times from ages 13-18.  If I had to pick a book that encapsulates my young teenage self it would be this one.

If I had a child something I would encourage them to do would be to document their life in some way.  Whether that be through consistently photographing events in their life and keeping them filed and organized in a clear way, or through journaling, or a combination.  An idea I had would be to write letters to my future self.  Every time something happened (party, a romantic/flirtatious encounter, heartbreak, success, failure) to sit down and write a letter to yourself in the future telling them about what occurred.  Basically a journal but written in letter form.  I think it would be priceless if I had kept a detailed journal of things that happened in my life from the time I was a small child, say fourth grade and continued it for the rest of my life.  How amazing would it be to go back and read a huge book of your life’s experiences?  There would be so many details that I’ve completely forgotten so many funny stories.  Stories or funny jokes from parties, the complete arc of a relationship from beginning flirtations to its demise or evolution into a marriage.

I have this weird thing with journals where I can never get in the habit of writing things in one place.  I’ve got at least 3 or 4 journals/notebooks kicking around all of them have about the first ¼ filled.  I find it hard to organize them as my preference seems to be to write lists on random pieces of crap paper all the time.  If anyone is a master journaler or has some clever way or recording thoughts and experiences let me know.  In a future month I want to start journaling again and I need a better system for it. 

I used to write a diary for a bit when I was younger, but then I would go back and read stuff several months later and decide it was stupid and rip it out.  It could be for an excuse as dumb as my handwriting wasn’t very nice.  At the moment I’m blogging and it’s a record, but it’s a record of happiness project stuff but it’s still an edited version of the happiness project.  Some people like scrapbooking, and even though I like the idea, formal scrapbooking to me is a lot of work and very expensive.  I have a friend who goes on scrapbooking retreats, entire days dedicated to scrapbooking in a giant room with 20 other scrapbookers.  It’s just too much for me, but I like aspects of it like adding in mementos and creating a beautiful record.

March - Authentic Self

A friend of mine suggested I stick with fun month, prove I can champion it. 
There are three main things working against fun month:
- the freezing cold makes me not want to leave my house
- money month has made it clear that I can’t afford anything much in terms of entertainment and so I feel resentful of having to spend money on something that I don’t really feel like doing
- I absolutely 100% do not feel like it.  I get where my friend is coming from, but I know myself, I know that I will half ass this month and won’t have fun with it.  

I think it’s best to be true to myself, to be Kirby, that it’s okay to change my mind about things because it’s my project and to do what I think is best for me right now.  So, I have decided to do the remaining three weeks of this month on Pursue Your Passion/Authentic Self.  I’m still in a work/money mindset so I think authentic self month relates to this best because I want to pursue a passion that will one day relate to what I do for a living and I believe I can do these things at little to no cost. 

So my goals are going to relate to my work month goals in that I’d like to get back to doing my tutorials and actually use my skills to make things.  I need to get past this hump of learning but not doing.  The doing is the fun part.  I used to do my tutorials at work, but now that isn’t an option.  I know that I can't do them at home; there are too many distractions at home, too many options of other things I can be doing so I’ve thought up a couple options.  I could go to work early, take my laptop and do my tutorials before I start work.  Let’s say an hour a day, for 3 days a week.  Flash leaves much earlier than me so I could get him to drop me off on his way to work.  The added incentive is that I get a ride to work instead of my usual train and walk combo.  The downside is getting up earlier and the possibility that my day may end up feeling extremely long.  My other thought was that I take my laptop and go and sit in a Starbucks and do a couple hours of tutorials.  Maybe I do one weeknight, and then Sunday morning or something to that effect.  I doubt mornings would work, judging from my tumultuous past with the AM, but I do know that I need to find a place outside of the apartment to do them.  Either before or after work at work is something I’m seriously considering because I like to use two screens to do my tutorials; one to watch on and one to do the work on.  Otherwise I’m always pausing and flipping between screens.  After work might be a do able option for right now when it’s cold, but in the summer I’m going to want to get home right after work and walk the dog.

As part of my authentic self I want to do things that I used to enjoy when I was young.  I used to draw, which I never do anymore, I used to read, which I have been getting back into, really just getting in touch with my artistic side more.  I think a lot of people who have jobs they are passionate about can trace their career path back to their childhood.  I was thinking my lunch hour would be a good time to do some of these things, it's outside my apartment, a set amount of time so I can't submit to other distractions.  I could do say, 45 minutes of tutorials during my lunch hour on the 'personal' computer upstairs, or I could spend my break sketching or reading (which I do currently).  My goal for is to start producing things and maybe posting them on the blog or mailing them to friends or both.