Monday, August 29, 2011

Nothing is Happening

I’m currently working my way through the Game of Thrones series.  I can’t put the books down.  I was thinking about the time it takes to read a good book.  If you really like the book you find time in all sorts of places.  On your lunch break, staying up a late before bed to squeeze in one more chapter, getting a few pages in on the train or reading while in the passenger's seat of the car. 
Time keeps moving by but it feels like nothing is ever happening.  I keep working these useless jobs.  In fact, all my jobs have been useless.  I’ve had several office jobs, administrative mostly, where I sit at a desk and never have enough to do.  It’s frustrating and weird.  Especially since other people around me seem fairly busy. 
The feeling follows me home, this lazy unproductive feeling.
Then I think about school and how my entire life was school, and how stressful it was to dedicate all of your energy to working on and thinking about and stressing about it and I feel a tightness in my chest, an anxiety.  My last year of school was incredibly miserable and I don’t want to feel like that again.
It was miserable because it wasn’t right for me.  I’ve rebelled against it into this weird limbo that I’ve been in for what feels like an eternity.  I live a very low stress existence, except for the constant nagging feeling that I’m not moving toward the things I want.  So I get up to move and stand still because I don’t know what I want.  So I stay in the same place, time moves, and nothing happens.
I remember watching the Pursuit of Happiness in the theater and thinking to myself that his level of dedication to doing everything he had on his plate was unbelievable; to dig that deep day in and day out without a break.  It seemed superhuman. 
Then I think that it must take that kind of dedication, that kind of commitment and motivation to make things happen.  Like stealing away every spare fifteen minutes to read a great book you must always be working tirelessly toward your goals.  This makes me even more anxious.  Like some sort of mad race is happening and I can’t seem to get my shoes on and everyone is getting farther and farther down the track, and then people start to lap you and you think about how long ago they started running and how far behind you are and that you’ll have to run so hard and fast to catch up.

1 comment:

  1. Phew! I felt like I was the ONLY ONE! I feel like I wrote this post myself. Seriously, I'm there with you. I am at the point now (job wise and life in general) where I think I need to make a drastic change in order to jump-start my life. You wrote this so perfectly!!