KIRBY vs. MEL

Soooo after the quarter point on our happiness journey I have gone back and read every entry that Kirby and I have made since day 1. I am starting to really notice how incredibly different we are! Me and Kirby's Happiness Projects couldn't be any different really and I think it's such a clear indication of the differences we have, and how together, those differences make our Happiness Blog perfect. We come from two totally different perspectives, with totally different goals, totally different ways of tracking, even the way we blog is opposite.

Although our Happiness Project is a perfect example of how opposites attract (and make awesome roommates) I would like to take a minute to list a few things Kirby and I have in common so that y'all know why we have mad love:

1. Our shared love for "Glee" and knowing that the show wouldn't be the same without Becky the Cheerio
2. Our love for Mexican food (Our first roommate dinner was at Julio's Barrio)
3. Our hate for stuck up biatches (we both know who this is, in particular)
4. Our appreciation for a clean kitchen
5. The things we know are just that way, but were never discussed, like why do I have the left side of the fridge, and she has the right? If individual items linger over to the other side, one of us returns them to their rightful space. The top shelf is for shared items like margarine, salsa and ketchup.
6. Our ability to know exactly when the other doesn't want to be spoken to, for at least an hour
7. Our love for comments about the interesting folk that live in our building
8. Our love for movies....we .....love.....movies.

In compliance with showing proofs of love, here are a few things that I adore about Kirby:

1. How she always keeps a can of Chef Boyardi mini Ravioli in her cupboard for the Sundays that i'm too hungover to move or make myself anything
2. How she hates leftovers, and therefore I usually have an already made meal in the fridge once a week
3. Her love for cheese....we always have cheese (right now? fresh parm and her fav, cheese whiz)
   
4. Her love for breakfast foods
5. When I catch her dancing
6. The way she laughs out loud when something is REALLY funny
7. Her cleaning ethic. This girl puts Danny Tanner to shame (she steam cleans....fact)
8. The fact that she taught me to drive a standard in 2 hours, in the snow
9. Her patience...
10. Her perseverance. This chick is strong :)
    
    
    I'm happy to be on this journey.

End of 'Work' Month....still a work in Progress

Working on Work has been good. I've been really in tune with bad habits and the process of being successful and working towards my goal. The oh so lovely Kelly Cutrone once said "Getting good at something requires consistency and repetition. Show up, do the work, do it hard, win the prize." When I broke things down, it was quite simple. I know how to do my job well, I just have to show up every day with a positive attitude and give it all i've got.
My boss, Special K, once told me that sales isn't very difficult. When you walk into that office, it's your curtain call, but the face on and before you know it those 8 hours have passed and you've done a good job, something you can be proud of. When you walk out of that door, you take off everything and leave it on stage. Don't bring your work home with you. THIS is something i've mastered. Between the gym and my oh-so packed social calendar, I hardly worry about work when i'm not there, I hardly ever bring it home with me, and I very rarely go to the office on the weekend.

There is one aspect of the WORK goals that I failed at: getting to know my co-workers. I really wanted to but...everyone is busy. I have done a good job at making an effort to talk to more people, just small comments here and there, and I feel good about that! I've also solidified the people I think I relate best with, and tried to be more open minded to those that dance to a different tune! I appreciate that all the people in my office are different and we are all very good at what we do. I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone better!

At the end of the day, I love my job and am looking forward to continually working to get better. Not every day can be the best day, but there's a piece of everyday that I can be my best.

On on to the next on on to the next (thanks Jay Z)

Mmmmmmelissa the Mmmmmarketing Mmmmmmmaster

Relationship – End of Month Summary

So I was looking through my old posts the other day and was reading my end of month summary for boost energy in which I included an image of my resolutions chart with my red and black Xs on it.  I laughed when I saw it because it looks like I nailed my resolutions that month, hardly any red Xs.  Granted, I was giving myself credit for even attempting certain goals.  I would’ve given myself credit for working out if all I did was go to the gym and stare at the wall.  My resolutions chart is currently riddled with red Xs.  I have pretty much given up on waking up early and working out with the exception of yoga so those two rows of the cart are almost completely red.  I will say that the black Xs that go on my chart feel more valid, like I genuinely earned them.

 

This month was ok.  It brought up a lot of weird emotions.  I found myself easily irritated and overly emotional.  I consider myself to be someone that does a fair bit of self reflection, having this need to constantly find ways to improve on everything.  This month’s resolutions made me hyper aware of myself and all my neurotic crap. 

I came to realize that Flash has flaws, but most of the time things become issues because I make them issues.  I am a big part of the problem.  That’s ok because I can change myself.  I can make a conscious effort to be aware of the part I’m playing in creating negative situations, to let things go, to take time for myself when I lose my perspective or need to breathe.  I also realized that Flash is genuinely happier when I’m happier.  I used to think that Flash made stupid jokes all the time because he liked the sound of his voice, or as a force of habit from hanging around with guys all the time, now I see that he is doing it for me, in the hopes that I’ll laugh.  Just this past weekend he made a particularly clever joke and when I laughed his face lit up.

I’ve cut back on nagging, I’ll mention something once or twice and then I’ll drop it.  Proofs of love was fun, but I don’t think buying gifts all the time is necessary.  I do feel a shift in my thinking.  I’d say the biggest lesson I learned this month is just be more appreciative, focus on the good things and let little things go. 

What Epic Life Changing Shit Have You Achieved?

I’m annoyed with my happiness project today because it feels like nothing is happening.  You know why?   Because I’m looking to make changes, EPIC changes.  I want to look back on the happiness project and remember it as one of those times in your life that stands out as different from the rest.  During these years I was in University and during that year I lived in that city and during that year I did a happiness project and changed my freakin’ life.

It has almost been 3 months since I started this project, that’s 90 days people.  You know what P90X is?  It’s a 90 day workout program where you commit to working out six out of every seven days for 90 days.  And do you know what happens to those people that follow through?  They are super jacked and amazing.  They commit to one goal and it changes their life.  Booyah.

So WTF Kirby I say to myself.  What epic life changing shit have you achieved?  Um, I’m not always thinking strangers are stupid and I eat less fast food.  Wow… how lame is that?  I used to read a couple fitness blogs but I stopped because I thought they were annoying.  It was always the same crap: I did the my workout today, and then three days later they’d be all like I haven’t worked out in three days, life’s been crazy, and then they proceed to list off 10 excuses for not working out.  I’m like, bitch that’s annoying, step your game up.  Maybe you should call it this is why I’m fat instead of your fitness blog.

So what’s my excuse?  I don’t know!  I’ve structured my happiness project to include lots of smaller resolutions and maybe this is great if you are really diligent in your efforts to be perfect with these little goals every day but I am not.  Should I just do one or two big goals?  One of the things Gretchen discovered during her project was that you manage what you measure.  I like the idea of having lots of goals and keeping track of them, and I’m finding that tracking my progress does keep me from letting things slide for more than a day or two, but there’s something missing, something to keep me motivated enough to strive for a higher standard of completion every day.

I have these bursts of motivation or frustration in which I feel inspired to rework the project, make changes, do better.  They I’ll get into a really lazy low mood and everything suffers for several a couple days.  My moods are my downfall.  The irony is that Boosting Energy and Attitude month were done first in the hopes that they would help alleviate the severity or frequency of these low moods.  So half assing my boost energy goals and discarding most of my attitude resolutions hasn’t helped matters.

Maybe the way Gretchen did her project doesn’t work for me.  I remember reading the Happiness Project and thinking to myself that this woman was a time management machine, how did she fit it all in?  I thought, if Gretchen can be a writer with a husband, two small children and a ton of social commitments and still find time to improve in all these areas then I can totally do this.  Turns out Gretchen Rubin is a freak of nature.  I work regular hours at a job that is relatively stress free, I have a dog but no children, no husband and very few social commitments.  In other words, I have more than enough time in my day to do this project.  I’m going to start re-working my resolutions.  I think it’s all about figuring out what works for me and what doesn’t.

Working on Your Work is Hard Work

So...I mean this. Working on doing better at work is hard work. I...AM...EXHAUSTED. My job is quite demanding, and trying to do what I already think I do pretty well, even better, is difficult. I guess when I went in to this I wanted a couple things to improve:
-my self motivation
-daily productivity
-accountability
-friendliness

For the most part, i've been doing well. I really wanted to focus on staying positive, when it comes down to it, there's no "i" in OfficeTeam...well, there is...in "office" but the word TEAM is bigger and it really takes all 3 legs of our tri-pod to do what we do. We have a great team and I want to be contributing to that everyday.
Today...was a rough day for me. I've been feeling under the weather and I've barely been sleeping this week and it's FREAKING COLD...like -40 everyday for the past 7 days....and I got super cranky today, and I let it get me. Towards my team I tried to keep my light hearted demeanor and humorous attitude, but to some of my support staff and other co-workers I was kind of rude. Not through words, but through just straight up ignoring. If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all right?!....right? haha. I just wanted to be left alone. It's year end and the pressure is really on to put up big numbers, and everyone is feeling it. Even more reason for me to keep a calm head, and try to let things slide. Tomorrow is Thursday (the new Friday, whoop whoop!) so i'm going to breathe, stretch, shake and let it go. Tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow is a great day, and I love my job ---and not like Emily Blunt circa Devil Wears Prada "i love my job, i love my job." ---I actually really do!!!!
I am blessed. In the spirit of American Thanksgiving, let me give thanks to all the things that I have, and all that is in my future.

Same 'ole Mel, but smiling more!

P.S. I am doing SO much better at drinking water and herbal teas! But I will never give up my morning grande pike with room. AND a new study says coffee helps with brain cancer. TAKE THAT, REWIND IT BACK.
P.P.S. I love my family....they are lovely people. The texts I wake up to from J-Bear are precious....just precious.

Me versus We

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about alone time and balance. 

I have always been someone that was comfortable being by myself.  I was in a conversation in which a friend of a friend was in a toxic relationship but was terrified to leave her live in boyfriend because she was scared to be by herself.  Not like, scared of burglars, like scared of sitting in silence in an empty room scared.  I remember thinking that was ridiculous.  I am by no means scared of being alone, but I am noticing that I am rarely by myself.

Let’s rephrase that - I am never alone.  Flash and I don’t live together, but we probably spend as much, if not more time with each other than couples that do.  Now, because we don’t actually live together, I feel like when we’re together we need to be doing something.  Meaning, I don’t feel like I can just up and go to a random yoga class if Flash is over because he doesn’t live there and I’d either have to ask him to go home or leave him there by himself.  Most of the time it’s fine, I plan out things I’m going to do in advance anyway.  It’s not that I want to go anywhere, it’s just that I’m aware that I am accountable for how I spend my time.

My workplace is small, I have 4 coworkers.  It’s a design office where everyone spends their entire day at the computer with their headphones on.  It took me a while to get used to the utter and complete silence that permeates the office every day.  The office is set up in such a way that we cannot see one another.  Three of the four coworker are in partially enclosed offices and one sits right beside me with a divider wall between us just high enough that I’d have to stand to see him.  Even though I feel isolated at work, I am aware that I am not alone, that someone is regularly looking over my shoulder.

I’m sort of in that place where I’m always in the presence of people.  My boyfriend, my roommate, my coworkers, my dog.  I’m craving some space.  I decided to do the happiness project because I read the book and though it was great, but also because of this nagging feeling that always follows me around, this general dissatisfaction with life.  I’m not happy with my progress in the project so far and I’m starting to think that I’m not staying in touch with why I’m doing this, what I want to get out of it.  I feel unable to think about what I want when I have to factor another person into my decisions.  What I eat for dinner or what I’m going to watch on TV or when I’m going to run errands, all these decision are affected by the fact that I’m not doing them by myself.

Maybe I need to take a book and go sit in a coffee shop by myself, or just schedule in some alone time.

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

Whenever I picture the week of extreme nice in my head I see a 50’s Stepford wife dancing around her house, but instead of a partner she holds a big chocolate cake in her outstretched arms.

This week hasn’t felt very extreme.  I can think of lots of things that I could buy for Flash, but I feel like the point of this week isn’t gifts.  It’s extreme nice week not Hanukkah (and the fact that Christmas is coming up makes me even less inclined to spend much money on presents).

So far I have given Flash a Starbuck’s gift card, bought him breathe right strips, mailed him an I love you card, cleared out a drawer in my dresser for him, bought him diet coke at the grocery store and made him lunch for work.  I also got him a season of a show he likes and will probably give it to him tonight.  None of these things are very extreme.  Gretchen’s husband didn’t seem to notice when he was the recipient of her week of extreme nice but she ended up deciding that was a good thing because it meant her behavior didn’t seem all that out of the ordinary. 

It doesn’t bother me that Flash hasn’t noticed this week is special because I don’t feel like I’m really going all out.  I probably could have made a bigger production out of how I game him things to get a bigger reaction.  Done goofy things like put little bows on presents I bought or doing a little Ta-Daa! song and dance when I gave him something but I’m working on not expecting praise/appreciation so I’m almost trying to downplay my efforts.  Flash has excellent manners and always make sure to mention things and thank me for them.  He called me as soon as he got his card in the mail to let me know it made his day.

So it’s been good.  I haven’t got the same sense of accomplishment I got from my weekly goal of trying a new recipe every night, but I still feel successful in my efforts.  I think it’s nice to give little non-practical gifts once in a while for no reason.

Week of Extreme Nice Relationship Edition and Mid Month Recap

The first couple weeks of relationship month have been interesting.  I think there are still some dots that I'm not connecting. I mentioned previously that I have had a couple situations where I realized that I should probably just let of what was bothering me go, because it wasn't really a big deal, but couldn't.  Knowing that I should let something go doesn't seem to be enough, I think maybe I need to better understand why it has upset me in the first place. You know, try to solve the root of the problem not just the symptoms.

The past week has been very up and down. My affirmations and extreme nice game have been going pretty well, I got a massage as part of my resolution to do something extra for look good feel good and I’ve been doing my yoga twice a week.  I bought a deal for 12 boot camp sessions for $20 so hopefully having a different type of class will inspire me to incorporate the gym back into my routine.  My relationship resolutions have been sporadic so I'm going to try another weekly goal to get myself back on track and be more consistent.

So this week is my week of extreme nice – relationship edition.  The goal is to make the effort to go the extra mile in appreciation and proofs of love.  I started it off by attaching a Starbucks gift card to Flash’s steering wheel last night so that he would find it this morning when he went to work.  I have little gifts planned for the week and I’m going to try extra hard to be perfect with my resolutions.

Wham! Pow! Bam! Silent Fights and Strange Dreams

Flash and I don’t really fight, but we came about as close as possible to one last night.  I was annoyed from something he had done the night before, and my anger and frustration carried over to the next day.  I thought to myself, this is a great chance to work on my relationship resolutions.  Was I overreacting?  Yes.  Would this matter in a couple days?  Probably not.  Did this help me let it go?  Nope.

We went out to dinner, and how lovely that our booth had it’s own little flat screen TV with the game playing on it!  Having a football game 8 inches from your boyfriend’s face does wonders for conversation.  I was trying my best not to say anything about the night before, but it wasn’t working.  I could tell he was aware I was annoyed, I don’t hide it very well, but he just chose to watch football as a way to avoid it.

After dinner we got to my house and I told him just to drop me off.  This is code for I hate you and am punishing you by not letting you stay over.  He replied with something like, fine by me, which is code for I thought I was coming up but I’m clearly not so I’m going to make you think I didn’t want to anyway.  He then maturely sped off as soon as I slammed the car door.

Like the mature adults we are, we pretty much resolved it a couple hours later via text messaging.  Was this situation almost completely of my own making.  Yes.  Do I realize that if I had just tried to be pleasant and make conversation about something else at dinner that this whole thing probably wouldn’t have happened.  Yes.  Does that make me feel like things could have gone any differently.  Not really.

That night I had the strangest dream, it involved Flash, my ex, and a friend of my ex (let’s call him Yankee) that I once thought I might be more than friends with but wasn’t.  I go to a bar to meet up with Flash, and my ex and Yankee are both there.  I go up and give Flash a kiss.  Yankee gives me a weird look and says something along the lines of “Wtf are you dating that guy?” and proceeds to be very flirtatious.  At this point I look over and see Flash and my ex being buddies, laughing and having a great time.  Yankee pulls out a present for me (which I can remember thinking was weird because he didn’t know I was going to the bar that night).  It’s some mini portable printer type thing.  Flash leaves and my ex comes up to me and tells me to go easy on Yankee because he has a broken heart and that it took him a long time to get over me.  My ex then gives me a hug and we hug for a long time, one of those hugs that says a lot of unsaid things and brings closure (as much closure as a dream hug can give I guess).  I then proceed to go looking for Flash, the sun is coming up but the streets are still full of people from the clubs.  I see him from a distance and try to get to him but somehow end up in a building that it a mash up of my elementary school and something else.  I wander though the gym and into some huge bathroom full of people that are in party mode and all the bathroom doors are broken and I start freaking out about losing one of my boots only to realize later that I am wearing it.  This is the point where one dream starts merging into another and I never do find Flash.

I don’t really know what it meant, but it was interesting to have a dream like that right after my fight with Flash.  I think maybe it means that I have a lot more baggage than I’d like to admit and that it affects how I act in my current relationship.

Extreme Nice Game

I have started playing a game on my way to work, I am calling it Extreme Nice.  I try to intentionally think only nice things about everything and everyone.  I will drown my judgment in a sea of rainbows and unicorns.

Feeling fake is one of the things I have struggled with in the past, and yes, this feels extremely fake.  I don’t want to pretend to be happy, I want to be genuinely happy.  I’m trying to think of it as learning instead of faking it.  From what I’ve read so far it is believed that an attitude shift doesn’t have to come from some life altering experience in which new perspective and appreciation is discovered.  More often it is done through repetition. 

Yes I know writing lines on the blackboard didn’t seem to work for Bart Simpson, but he’s also an animated frozen in time child so find a better example haters!

The idea is that you consciously make an effort to repeatedly think certain thoughts and over time it stops being a forced effort and comes naturally.  I saw an example of this the other night while watching the Devil wears Prada on TV.  First assistant Emily was very sick and after being criticized by her boss goes back to her desk and repeats to herself, “I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.”

Last month I discussed that in an attempt to be less negative I have accidentally trapped myself in the personality-less neutral zone.  If I didn’t have anything nice to say I didn’t say anything at all.  Extreme nice is my attempt to push my self out of the silent neutral zone and into the positive zone.

The challenge with the game so far is that the majority of nice things I think about the people I see on my walk home or on the train are superficial.  I don’t have conversations with all these random people, so I’m mostly trying to find something positive about the way they look or carry themselves.  Other times I try to think about how almost every person on this train has a family, has a story.  I try to imagine the paths everyone takes each day, the highs and lows they all experience.  It helps to be more patient and understanding of the person who’s being a jerk to you on the phone or the guy that cut me off in traffic if I can think of them as people and not just some jerk that vaporized out of thin air with the sole intent of pissing me off.  I haven’t yet mastered always finding this train of thinking in the heat of the moment, but I’m getting better.

Yesterday I got a letter from my university about the program I left and how my voluntary withdrawal has been denied and they are putting instead something along the lines of being forced to withdrawal on my permanent record.  I found the letter a little confusing but the impression I got was that this would have some sort of negative consequence for me in the future.  I feel the program is fundamentally flawed and as a result the students suffer; this was just one more thing to add insult to injury.  I was immediately annoyed when I read it and this annoyance festered for a solid half an hour before I told myself to stop it.  This is university politics, it’s probably just a formality and there’s nothing you can do about it.  If it affects paths you want to take it the future then you will just have to find other paths.  You have removed yourself from this toxic environment, don’t waste your energy, let it go.

I think this shows progress.  Normally I would’ve stressed about it for a few days, called my mother in frustration, possibly emailed my university program advisor or student advocacy to see what my options were.  All of these options require me taking on the role of victim and it is my experience that it is a flawed system and I would waste a lot of energy accomplishing nothing .  Instead I was able to let in go in a couple of hours.

In a less successful example I lost my patience with a friend of mine a couple days ago.  I avoided lashing out at her (by lashing out at another friend) but the conversation left me extremely annoyed for a full day afterwards.  Two days in a row I failed in my resolution of no complaining over it.  I just couldn’t let it go, and it wasn’t even a big deal.  I think it shows that I need to learn to not immediately react to things.  I have a very short temper and the right trigger will cause me to fly off the handle instantly.  I’m finding if I just wait, do something else for a couple hours or sleep on it I usually find that it doesn’t really matter and am often glad when I didn’t say anything.

A Work In Progress!

Today I was 50/50 on my Happiness Project. I came into work so rested and ready to work and had a smile on my face, even after a certain company called me at 7:10am to report an order that they needed by 8am. “No Big Deal!” I thought, taking the call with a smile. To be honest, I somewhat enjoy getting calls on my blackberry, while on the train in the morning. I secretly enjoy the thought of people knowing how busy I am. I literally start work some days at 6:30am, whenever that call comes through!

ANYWAYS, off topic. Today was going really great. I even wanetd my productivity to be so high that I moved into a “call pod” away from everyone else so I could focus and not be distracted! That went really well, and I had a great morning!......then Noon hit.Where my little “Call Pod” is located, everyone leaving the back office has to walk past my desk, and the computer I’m working on. During my much earned lunch hour (I never take lunch…I’ll eat at my desk, while working) I decided to look at some of this season’s Stella & Dot pieces online. I think I’ve earned a new piece of jewellry. Three people that walked past my desk (on their way to lunch, no doubt) made comments like “Working hard or hardly working?” or “Get back to work!”…..it was all in good fun, but I found myself growing annoyed. I kept it in check, and just laughed it off. Why did this bother me? I guess I don’t like the thought of people ever thinking I’m slacking! With the complete lack of privacy in our office as is I felt like saying “What the hell are you doing looking at what I’m doing anyways?!?” but I’m sure it was just a way to make small talk, soooo…DEEP BREATH, let it go. Done.
Slight mis-step today but I’m back on track. Also, a shout out to my Sask friend who I shall refer to as E, who sent me a lovely little “Have a good Day” text. Being single forrrrr….2 years(ish) now, I forgot how nice those random little messages are. I receive them from Stephanie sometimes but they're more like "FYI, Coach is having a sale, let's go!!!". Although thoughtful, there's something about knowing someone from the opposite sex is thinking about you that just puts a smile on your face. I will make more of an effort for random “proofs of affection”. You know what’s not a proof of affection? Getting dinged an extra $10 to get something with silk in it dry cleaned! WTF. The boy working at the Dry Cleaners was super cute though. I smiled through the $10 charge with a playful "whaaaaat??". Normally I would try to negotiate my way out of it. Today I didn't, I accepted that such is life.

Heading into an extra long weekend, and feeling HAPPY!

Melissa ‘Smiley’ Nadeau

Contemplating the origins of my nagging

I was thinking today about nagging.  I wasn’t a huge nag before, so why am I one now?  Does it have something to do with my last relationship?  I didn’t want to fight, I didn’t want to sweat the small stuff, but small things left unchecked add up until they are big things.  One of the biggest things I took away from that relationship when it ended was to not always bite my tongue, to not accept treatment that didn’t meet my standards for how I felt I deserved to be treated and that I would make it very clear what was and was not acceptable from the get go.  In an attempt to not make the same mistakes again I would often overreact about small things and have mini meltdowns over any repeated bad boyfriend behavior.  I’ve mellowed out a lot, and what’s left is a tendency to nag.

Then I think no, that doesn’t make sense, lots of people nag and they are not all dealing with having been mistreated by a former partner once upon a time.  Maybe it’s just a learned behavior, maybe we nag if our parents nagged, or it’s some fundamental men versus women thing.  I’m still trying to decide if nagging is the height of selfishness, or if it is an annoying form of selflessness.  Parents often nag children to do things, but they are doing that for the child’s benefit, right?  Things like do your homework.  Pretty sure if I tried hard enough I could think of a way in which that benefitted the parent.  Do your homework and mind your manners because when you misbehave it reflects badly on me as a parent. 

I don’t know why, but I feel like there’s more to it, some underlying reason.  I was bumming around on the internet and found a few interesting discussions.  One woman said that she nagged her husband like crazy to get up and be productive when he was in the depths of depression.  She said that through therapy she learned that she was nagging him as a way to alleviate her own anxiety, that she feels the need to fix the problem and doing nothing makes her feel like she’s going to have a nervous breakdown.  One of Gretchen’s least favorite strategies to quit nagging was simply to do the task herself.  I would have no problem with that, but there are times when I can’t do it myself and I find that stressful.  Maybe I'm just a bit of a control freak, maybe I don’t trust Flash to get things done on his own, maybe I’m worried that if I don’t say anything little things will snowball into big things.

I read an article about nagging on Oprah’s website that says we nag because we care.  The author breaks it down into three types: motherly loving nagging, be like me nagging and aggressive nagging.  Motherly loving comes from a desire to nurture and be helpful, be like me nagging is nagging people to do things the way you would do them, to change into the person you want them to be, and aggressive nagging is when the nagger is miserable and wants everyone else to be miserable too.  This type of nagger is never satisfied and nags for their own benefit and no one else’s.  I think I am a combination of the first two types.  I am nagging for Flash’s benefit, trying to help him follow through on things he claims to need to do, but I’m also trying to get him to do things my way.

Everything I’ve read comes to the conclusion that nagging doesn’t work and has the negative side effect of drawing attention to the flaws and shortcomings of the other person, which makes them feel bad.  Oh yeah and it’s a super annoying and unattractive habit.  Nagging always leaves me feeling frustrated.  I don’t want to be a nag, but I still want to be helpful.  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with making suggestions, or reminding someone of something they need to do, and I don’t believe my suggestions are unreasonable.  What’s frustrating is the thing that turns helping into nagging is the other person’s refusal to follow through on the task.  Just do it already! 

One thing the article says is, it’s not what you say but how you say it, so I’m going to alter my approach.  I’m going to stop nagging and simply let a lot of things go.  I’ll ask myself something like, “Does this really matter to me?” or “Do I need to spend my energy on this?”  If not then whatever, Flash can deal with it on his own and I won’t concern myself.  I think it will be a relief to give up any self-imposed responsibility I feel for making sure things get done.  For things that genuinely bother me, or affect me in some way I’m going to try and figure out a better approach, put a different spin on what I normally would say.

I was apprehensive about my no nagging resolution at first, but I am more excited about it now.  I feel like I’m doing a psychological experiment and I’m curious about the results.

NOVEMBER: Work, Work, Play, Work....

November.
I have decided to dedicate November to my job. My friends and family are probably thinking "holy crap child don't you spend all your time working as is?" and the answer is YES....but am I working "smart" as opposed to working "hard"? That's what i'm looking to focus on. Also, I want to create better work relationships. My business has several different division's that we call LOB's and in the nature of our office lay out, we don't really get to comunicate with each other THAT much throughout the day, we're all very busy. I'm going to devote some time this month to get to know each and every person in my office (about 20 that I haven't spoken to that much or know their story). I want to know how they came to be here, what made them chose this industry, what was their biggest success, what is their one piece of advice for the office baby (yes i'm the youngest Sales Rep). I want to be able to learn from all the talent around me and apply it. My goals for work are as follows:

- be nicer to everyone, smile more
- get to know everyone more personally
- hit my weekly targets set by my Team Lead
- don't leave until I feel accomplished that day
- be more patient with candidates
- NO MORE fake gun-to-the-head....body language is important
- when frustrated take a deep breath, count to 5...is this worth a freak-out attack
- re-read "SPIN Selling" (the sales bible)

I'm looking for that feeling of accomplishment at the end of the day. I love my job, and i'm starting to get pretty good at it. I just want to keep growing, keep evolving and continue to learn from the successful people and pick up tips of the trade.
A lot of my "attitude adjustment" month goals should assist with this month which is whyI decided to put it right after. I want to be a happier employee and a good co-worker to all!!!

Ready. Set. SELL.

ATTITUDE....is EVERYTHING....and it's OVER! :)

Attitude month is DUNZO.
I'm not going to lie, i'm happy. I am growing quite tired of my co-workers whispering "HAPPINESS HAPPINESS HAPPINESS!" in my ears when I'm frustrated and annoyed with something. I am tired of not being able to make a sarcastic comment about the brides on "Say Yes to the Dress" who I SWEAR are choosing their wedding dresses in the dark. I quite enjoyed the resultion to swear less and have done an exceptional job. I don't know WHY when I try to put my keys ont he key holder and I miss and drop them on the floor it aggrivates me beyond belief and I usually accompany this frustration with "FUCKKKK YOUUUUU!!!!" I'm sure my keys didn't mean it (or my impatience to hand/eye coordinate the placement better). My patience levels have gotten slightly better. I am still SO incredibly bad at facially expression my impatience. I clench my teeth, roll my eyes, and often put my fingers to my temples and pull the imaginary trigger (when on the phone!!). I need to not let my frustrations show. When I performing reference checks and ask people "How did Mr. Candidate handle themselves in stressful situations, did they remain calm, cool and collected?" I ALWAYS think about how badly I would fail that questions---> "Melissa loses her s**t and freaks out when people don't live up to her expectations. She often flares her nostrils in anger and slams the phone when something doesn't go as planned." Ewwwww. I'll do better :)

Anyways, I'm definitely going to continue curbing my trucker mouth adn I also quiet like being more aware of my facial expressions and trying to smile more....even to randoms on the street! The other day a man on the train bright eyed and bushy tailed at 6am said "Good Morning Beautiful!" which would normally cause me to roll my eyes and cringe, (who hates that compliment? I mean, I know he says it to EVERY woman, but still? Is this the worst thing that could happen?) but instead I paused, smiled back, and said "Good Morning." I have no right to try and crap all over this man's beautiful morning just because I think no one should speak to each other before 9am...and a grande pike place roast with room for creme and 2 Splenda packets!
I've also been doing a much better job at being more friendly towards my co-workers in the morning. When I arrive into work my co-worker Jason (who almost needs a Negativity Project, he is just THAT optimistic and happy, I envy him daily) always greets me with a lovely "Good Morning!" and I say it back, as bright and cheery as I possibly can. I like it from Jason because I know he means it. People who speak just to hear their own voice really bothers me! But in compliance with "not letting thigns I cannot control bother me" this is a free country and people are allowed to verbal diarrhea all over the place :) Sarcasm? Yes!

On that note...I am sarcastic. This is who I am. I will continue to make sarcastic comments because they make me happy and I think they're funny. Other people find it funny too. I was talking to my boss about being sarcastic and she mentioned that that's something she really likes about me. I think if it's done in a humourous manner and doesn't hurt other's feelings that sarcasm is perfectly acceptable. Done!

All in all, trying to be happy all the time and spewing optimism is just not my thing and makes me tired. I will try to be more friendly, and keep the swearing on the minimum, but that's pretty much the only thing I want to carry over from October. That and smiling....because it's true that when you're smiling...the whole world smiles with you!

November - Relationship

So I’ve decided that since doing attitude in the second month was unsuccessful I have decided to try and stick more closely to the order Gretchen Rubin did her topics.  That means this month is dedicated to my boyfriend, Flash.  During the month that Gretchen dedicated to her marriage, her husband was aware she was working on marriage, but he did not know the details of her resolutions because she thought that would make him self conscious.  I discussed my resolutions with Flash and he was a mix of excited and apprehensive.

Flash: I don’t think you should do a month for me.
Me: Why not?
Flash: I dunno, because we’re happy, you make me happy.
Me: I think there’s always room for improvement. 
Flash: Well…What kind of things are you gonna do?

(I proceed to list off my ideas)

Me: Do you have any suggestions for me?
Flash: …No
Me: This is not a trick question, I’m serious I’d like suggestions.
Flash: I just want you to be happy, when you’re happy I’m happy.
Me: Not helping.
Flash: Are you sure this isn’t a trick?

 

So my goals for this month are:

• no nagging
• don’t expect praise or appreciation
• give appreciation
• give proofs of love

In addition to being a big complainer I am also a HUGE nagger, which I guess makes sense because they are very similar.  I find myself nagging Flash all the time.  He has this annoying habit of not following through on things, it infuriates me to no end.  This annoying habit is compounded by the fact that Flash has a really hard time committing to plans.  He’s a very last minute person, or as he likes to call it, makes game time decisions.  I find that the combination of these qualities often leaves me nagging him to follow through on things.  95% of the time these things don’t have anything to do with me, things like, take your dry cleaning in before you are down to your last shirt or you’ll have to pay extra to rush the order, pestering him to make dentist appointments (which he never did) or get a physician to avoid wasting the day at a walk in, to organize the work stuff he keeps in the car so that he’s not always scrambling to get things in on time, to make an appointment for the car, etc. 

I think that I’m trying to help him be more organized, but at the end of the day he puts things off until he absolutely has to and it leaves me feel frustrated, like my efforts to help are being ignored and unappreciated.  I find myself in the worst mood over something that at the end of the day doesn’t really have anything to do with me.  So I am putting my foot down, Flash is a grown man and he can get his own shit together.  Not nagging is going to be a major challenge for me this month.

Another thing I struggle with is needing all my efforts to appreciated.  Flash has had male roommates for the past several years and they are slobs.  I always clean when I stay at his house, and I tell myself I’m doing the boys a favor because they’re hopeless and I know they like a clean house, they just don’t want to be the ones to clean it.  Sometimes I’ll clean the kitchen and Flash will come in and say “Wow thanks, this looks great!”  And then 10 minutes later will make a huge plate of nachos, leaving all the dishes, garbage and food scraps all over the counters and stove.  This causes what I like to call a rage attack.  “I just f***ing cleaned this place, stop ruining my efforts to do something nice for you!”  I tell myself I’m doing these things for the boys, but really I’m doing it for myself because I can’t stand when it’s filthy.  It frustrates me because I don’t want to walk around cleaning up after them like their mother.  I need to accept that I am really doing these thing for MYSELF and not to expect praise or appreciation.

I think a lot of the things I nag Flash about are things that will benefit him, but if I’m really honest there’s usually a benefit for me too.  I wanted him to get his car insured in time because that’s the responsible thing to do, but I also wanted to make sure he did so that he didn’t have to borrow my car or so I didn’t have to dive him back and forth from the mechanic when he missed the deadline.  I wanted him to organize his work stuff so he would be less stressed, but I also wanted him to do it so that he wouldn’t be finishing his work in the evening, which takes away from the time I get to spend with him.

Flash is actually a really good boyfriend.  We spend lots of time together, he’s very open with his feelings, tells me how he feels about me every day, tries to include me in everything, is patient and supportive.  I often focus my energy on the things about him that drive me nuts and don’t appreciate all the good things about him.  So I will try to give more appreciation and give proofs of love.