Wednesday, October 13, 2010

This post has been brought to you by the letter F and the letter U

FU Happiness Project.  Or at least that’s how I’ve been acting for the past week.

I have been really frustrated with myself lately.  I have been doing terrible with my Happiness Project this month which is really discouraging because it’s only month TWO.  I won movie tickets last week for a pre-screening on Wednesday night, the night I normally go to hot yoga.  I decided that since I never win things I should use them.  I made two attempts to go to hot yoga in the days that followed; one time the online signup was unavailable which made me worried the class was full, and on Monday the class I planned to attend was cancelled due to Thanksgiving.  I also missed Karma yoga on Sunday because I was out of town for the holiday.  No yoga all week.  This is unheard of, I have been perfect with my yoga classes.  This is one of the few things I have been consistent with and it’s really thrown me for a loop to have my routine messed with.  From there my workouts went downhill fast resulting in several days of red Xs.

I have been reading Women Food and God.  I couldn’t be less religious and would never have got it for myself but Melissa bought it so I thought why not.  Since I don’t feel like I have any significant food or weight issues I thought I’d abandon this book pretty quickly, but it’s kind of interesting.  I would describe it as being more about addiction, how we try to shut down or distract ourselves from feeling things we don’t think we can deal with.  So I’m trying to look at it that way to find something that applies to me.

There is a section on eating in which the author discusses two main types of compulsive eaters: Restrictors and Permitters.  Restrictors are the type of people that like control.  They do really well on crazy diets, lose weight, but eventually the deprivation gets to them and they binge.  Permitters binge constantly, trying to numb themselves with a screw it, life sucks, might as well eat and enjoy myself attitude.  I don’t think I fall into either category when it comes to food, but reading about Restrictors was interesting. 

Depriving myself seems to come more easily to me than adding things to my life.  If I go though something difficult in my life I shut down.  I feel sick with whatever emotion, heartbreak, grief, sadness, and lose all appetite.  I eat and drink very little, not because I’m trying to, I just honestly have no desire to and often realize hours later that I have missed a meal.  I withdraw and have no desire to see people or do anything.  I am getting better at recognizing these depressive tendencies but it’s still hard to snap out of them.  I know a lot of people deal with difficult things the opposite way I do, they eat, they get drunk a lot and they over socialize to avoid being alone.

In regards to my Happiness Project, I find it much easier to stop doing something than to start doing something.  For example, I have done quite well in giving up fast food; I haven’t been to a single drive-thru, but adding exercise into my routine has been really difficult.  Cutting back on negativity is going well, but giving compliments is not. 

I’m not sure what the problem is.  I have lots of small resolutions, maybe it would be better if I narrowed them down to two or three bigger ones instead of several small ones for each category.  This might be less overwhelming since the resolutions list is already quite long, yes they are small things but there are lots of them.  Or maybe it’s just me, maybe I’m sabotaging myself.  Flash is out of town for the next few days and I’m hoping to use this time alone to focus on myself and figure out how to make my resolutions more successful.

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