Monday, November 1, 2010

November - Relationship

So I’ve decided that since doing attitude in the second month was unsuccessful I have decided to try and stick more closely to the order Gretchen Rubin did her topics.  That means this month is dedicated to my boyfriend, Flash.  During the month that Gretchen dedicated to her marriage, her husband was aware she was working on marriage, but he did not know the details of her resolutions because she thought that would make him self conscious.  I discussed my resolutions with Flash and he was a mix of excited and apprehensive.

Flash: I don’t think you should do a month for me.
Me: Why not?
Flash: I dunno, because we’re happy, you make me happy.
Me: I think there’s always room for improvement. 
Flash: Well…What kind of things are you gonna do?

(I proceed to list off my ideas)

Me: Do you have any suggestions for me?
Flash: …No
Me: This is not a trick question, I’m serious I’d like suggestions.
Flash: I just want you to be happy, when you’re happy I’m happy.
Me: Not helping.
Flash: Are you sure this isn’t a trick?


So my goals for this month are:

  • no nagging
  • don’t expect praise or appreciation
  • give appreciation
  • give proofs of love

In addition to being a big complainer I am also a HUGE nagger, which I guess makes sense because they are very similar.  I find myself nagging Flash all the time.  He has this annoying habit of not following through on things, it infuriates me to no end.  This annoying habit is compounded by the fact that Flash has a really hard time committing to plans.  He’s a very last minute person, or as he likes to call it, makes game time decisions.  I find that the combination of these qualities often leaves me nagging him to follow through on things.  95% of the time these things don’t have anything to do with me, things like, take your dry cleaning in before you are down to your last shirt or you’ll have to pay extra to rush the order, pestering him to make dentist appointments (which he never did) or get a physician to avoid wasting the day at a walk in, to organize the work stuff he keeps in the car so that he’s not always scrambling to get things in on time, to make an appointment for the car, etc. 

I think that I’m trying to help him be more organized, but at the end of the day he puts things off until he absolutely has to and it leaves me feel frustrated, like my efforts to help are being ignored and unappreciated.  I find myself in the worst mood over something that at the end of the day doesn’t really have anything to do with me.  So I am putting my foot down, Flash is a grown man and he can get his own shit together.  Not nagging is going to be a major challenge for me this month.

Another thing I struggle with is needing all my efforts to appreciated.  Flash has had male roommates for the past several years and they are slobs.  I always clean when I stay at his house, and I tell myself I’m doing the boys a favor because they’re hopeless and I know they like a clean house, they just don’t want to be the ones to clean it.  Sometimes I’ll clean the kitchen and Flash will come in and say “Wow thanks, this looks great!”  And then 10 minutes later will make a huge plate of nachos, leaving all the dishes, garbage and food scraps all over the counters and stove.  This causes what I like to call a rage attack.  “I just f***ing cleaned this place, stop ruining my efforts to do something nice for you!”  I tell myself I’m doing these things for the boys, but really I’m doing it for myself because I can’t stand when it’s filthy.  It frustrates me because I don’t want to walk around cleaning up after them like their mother.  I need to accept that I am really doing these thing for MYSELF and not to expect praise or appreciation.

I think a lot of the things I nag Flash about are things that will benefit him, but if I’m really honest there’s usually a benefit for me too.  I wanted him to get his car insured in time because that’s the responsible thing to do, but I also wanted to make sure he did so that he didn’t have to borrow my car or so I didn’t have to dive him back and forth from the mechanic when he missed the deadline.  I wanted him to organize his work stuff so he would be less stressed, but I also wanted him to do it so that he wouldn’t be finishing his work in the evening, which takes away from the time I get to spend with him.

Flash is actually a really good boyfriend.  We spend lots of time together, he’s very open with his feelings, tells me how he feels about me every day, tries to include me in everything, is patient and supportive.  I often focus my energy on the things about him that drive me nuts and don’t appreciate all the good things about him.  So I will try to give more appreciation and give proofs of love.

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