Monday, December 6, 2010

Greeting Cards, It’s What Good Friends Do

I sent a friend of mine a card when she moved into her first home last week.  The front is a sparkly winter wonderland scene and inside it has a generic congratulations.  So I added a more personal touch with this note:

OMFG you better like this g dang card. Do you know how hard
it is to find a good ‘new home’ card? It’s f**king hard.
I spent countless minutes searching through multiple card stores for this.
You know why it’s so hard? It’s because they are all filled with
newlywed crap and Christianity paraphernalia.

(Cue dry heaving noises)

And I was all like, this is bullshit, step your game up Hallmark,
don’t you know atheists buy greeting cards too?
So then I thought, maybe I’ll buy a goofy Christian card and draw a
little devil peaking out from behind the corner of the house like where’s Waldo.
Then I thought, whoa, what if that little devil becomes an evil portal,
like a little Hallmark voodoo doll? What if it brings some satanic shit into
your new house and suddenly it is 3:00am and you’re standing in a
trance beside the bed staring down at Justin all possessed and shit
and things start moving on their own and no one wants to come to your
house because it scares them and then one of you mysteriously dies and well…
I just don’t think I could live with that.

Congrats on your first home.


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