Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Love Me? Love me Not?

Soooo LOVE.....4 letters. But one loaded little word.

I started off Love month totally kicking ass. I dropped my somewhat bad boy habits of getting all the attention I needed from the opposite sex from my super cool random guy friends (think coffee "dates" or dinner "dates"...but completely platonic) as well as my pseudo long distance 'boyfriend' -I use this term loosely as there's really no commitment on either of our parts but I don't doubt if we lived in the same city we would be together- E, who I also got my flirting and cute boy (skype) fix from. E was tough because we were used to speaking almost daily and was someone that I got excited to video chat with but after our several attempts to visit one another failed, I decided this was probably going nowhere and needed to move on.

Then came DATING. So I was semi-set up with a friend of a friend and we went on a date which was great. Nice evening of drinks which turned in to great conversation about life, goals, ambitions, past experiences, all in all, a GREAT first date. Then I found out that set person, after we had agreed to keeps things mums the word for the mean time due to conflict of interest and mutual friends, had gone and told people anyways. I don't think his intention was bad, but I was bothered that something I wanted to be private was now general knowledge. After that my guard flew up. I tried, and Kirby tried hard haha, to see past it and still view this as a potential for more dates but I just couldn't view this person the same anymore! A psychologist would probably say that trust was violated and because i've had issues with this in the past, I completely turned myself off and shut down. I just felt like things were moving too fast too soon and I wanted Love month to be more fun and friendly and flirty. The reality is, to me, dating is not fun, nor friendly, nor flirty! It often involved me getting anxious for a date, awkward on the date, and then dwelling on it afterward to see how I can now end this new relationship! Terrible, I know.
I think back to University when I had two long-term boyfriends, each with a 2 year tenure and I think about how we met...how I was pursued, how we started dating. With Mike it was an instant attraction. I remember the day I was sitting in my friend Tyler's dorm room and this hottie with long hair, who was all tan came to his door to ask for, funny enough, papers, and it took all my strength not to drool on the floor. Who was this gorgeous boy?! Why have I not met him yet?! I immediately asked Tyler and Joel (our mutual friends) who he was and how I could make him mine! Joel put the bug in Mike's ear that I thought he was yummy....that night at the bar we chatted and maybe had some RBM action (random bar makeout) and we chatted all summer and started dating exclusively the moment September 1st hit and we were reunited!
With Ryan, I remember the day I saw him running towards my dorm room the day I was moving in one hot September morning. He had no shirt on, and he was glistening like some sort of Greek God. He asked me to hold the door for him (his girlfriend lived there....ew) and I was immediately in lust. With Ryan again there was movie nights, OC (remember that show??) nights, again more RBM nights at the Pub and BOOM, he was my boyfriend. Why aren't things like this anymore? I liked it better when I find a boy hot, and decided he would be mine haha.

I think this theory may be why I've been so into E for such a long time. It worked in a very similar fashion. I was at a party at a club, I saw him across the way and was instantly fixated on his face, so cute. Made it my mission to invite him and his friends over to where me and my friends were, and instantly connected. Phone numbers were exchanged and we've been, slowly, getting to know each other ever since. If this was University, we would have gone to get pizza, added each other to msn/facebook, had a movie date night and we would have been happily celebrating our 1 year anniversary this past November (granting no unforeseen circumstances).

Dating as an adult is daunting and hard. Where are all the men? Seriously? If you don't meet people through work or mutual friends where are they hiding? I'm lucky I'm really active and have had minor interests through my soccer and baseball teams but now those people have all slipped into the friend/brother relationship zone. CRAP.

I got scared about signing up for an online dating sight because most of my colleagues are on there and I didn't want anyone seeing me on there. I know that if they see ME on there, it obviously means THEY are on there. I guess just more so word of mouth "Guess who I saw on plenty of fish the other day....." and I don't want to seem desperate. I don't think people on dating sites are desperate, I envy their, for lack of better term, balls. I just feel like I'm 25 and should still be giving this a shot the good old fashion way. Correction, 26, I am 26.....in 5 days.

Turning 26 is a whole other subject matter. My birthday is in 5 days. Work wise, friendship wise, life ambitions wise, I feel very good about "where I am" for being 26. Relationship wise, I'm not even that bothered that I'm single, I have a very full life. I do wish that I was with someone that I felt could be the "one" with no commitments of engagement or children. I guess after my breakup with Ryan I said I wasn't going through this again, and I wasn't going to become someone's "girl friend" unless I felt that deep down, I could actually really BE with this person.

All in all, I feel open to love, working on my commitment issues and hoping to feel the love soon. Kirby was right about one thing, when it rains it pours. Since going on my date last week, I have had boys coming out of the wood works and randomly messaging me which only secures Carrie Bradshaw's theory that all you need to get a date, is another date! Bring it!!!

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