Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Que Sera Sera

I’m on a quest to recapture some piece of my youth this month.  I feel like I became a different person over the past three years, that I disconnected from my old self and became someone different.  Someone not so consumed with disappointment in their failed choices.
What makes you who you are?  Your family, your friends, your relationships, your interests, your education, your career, but all of these things can change.  Maybe your family isn’t going to change, but they could be separated from you by long distances… or die, you may grow apart from your friends, relationships fall apart, what you’re interested in, your education, your career, can all change. 
Your experiences define you, right?  You are the sum of everything that has happened to you.  You are defined by how you choose to deal with everything that has happened to you.  So you are a collection of people, and experiences.  What happens when memories start to fade, and people grow apart?  What happens when the ties that define you start to thin? 
Well then you make new ties; a new collection of people and make new memories.  People aren’t stagnant, they evolve and change.  So what happens when there’s a sudden shift?  No natural progression but an abrupt severing of ties.  I guess some people embrace this change and the opportunity to re-invent themselves.  I don’t know why I feel this strange disconnect, or why I can’t seem to describe it properly.  I guess I want some spark of recognition.  I used to be able to remember myself clearly in different phases of my life.  I could clearly recall specific thoughts that I had as a young child, my attitudes toward things as a teenager.  Even though they were two very different stages of my life, I could remember and relate to them.  I guess, up until recently I felt like I had a strong sense of self.  A big part of the happiness project is cultivating a strong sense of self through my resolutions which are all aimed at making me my best version of myself, cultivating qualities that I find admirable.  The hard part is to make sure I’m staying true to who I am and not trying to fit myself into some idealized mold.
Frequently I find myself asking, “What do I want”, “What do I like to do?”  Often the answer is, “I don’t know” which makes me uncomfortable.  At my interview for my new job I got asked the where do you see yourself in 5 years question and the thought that ran through my find was “Well obviously not to still be a glorified receptionist”, which I didn’t say of course, but the true answer to that question is that I honestly don’t know.  I should know, shouldn’t I? 
I often think about that line from the Sunscreen Song: "Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young."  I don't think my furture lies in my past.  I'm not looking for answers in the past, I'm just looking to reconnect with myself by doing, or re-doing things that used to resonate with me. 

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