One of my great frustrations of the year so far has been my inability to sit down and figure out what I want. My rollercoaster moods and related inconsistent burst of motivation and the utter and complete lack thereof have made any sort of progress impossible. I constantly battle with feeling that spending that much time and energy thinking about myself is selfish, and feeling like I really need to focus on myself. This feeling is exaggerated when someone in your life is causing you unhappiness or frustration and you funnel a ton of time and energy into resolving that issue or helping someone resolve it.
I have a hard time dissociating myself from things like that, especially when it gets to a point where the situation is making you miserable and you feel like you have to separate yourself from people connected to the problem, but at the same time you know you’d be happier if you and the other person could resolve the problem together.
I go through phases where I daydream about living alone; being able to come home and the TV not be turned on and having to fill my evenings and weekends with activities that move me toward goals I want to accomplish. In my head I imagine that anyone who lives alone and doesn’t spend hours in front of the TV/computer must be productive and happy. You wouldn’t succumb to mindless channel surfing and fall asleep after an evening of doing nothing. On a day where you came home from work exhausted you might take a hot bath and go to bed early, maybe curl up with a book or chat with a friend on the phone. That sounds pretty great.
What would I do if I didn’t watch any TV? I would probably spend more time outside the house. I imagine I’d be a better, more involved friend since I’d be actively making plans with people. I could see going to the gym or an extra-long walk with my dog being more attractive alternatives to sitting home alone in my silent house. But I guess it would get lonely after a while.
Nonetheless, I think a more serious approach to removing things that keep me from being productive is a good start. I think TV is a big one. My roommate and my roommate/boyfriend are big TV watchers and I often find myself sitting watching shows that I don’t really care about. This is dumb because I don’t even care to watch most of the shows they watch. It’s also frustrating because my boyfriend is a bit TV obsessed and I feel like a lot of the time we spend together is watching TV. He always says that we spend all our time together, but I feel like we rarely do anything other than sit in front of the television.
Another thing I keep coming back to is mornings. I’m so exhausted in the morning I’m always hitting snooze. Waking up early and spending more time getting ready, eating breakfast, walking my dog in the morning or whatever it is morning people do, I think would make me happier. Do I spend my evenings being super productive instead of watching TV and go to bed really early so I can get up earlier?
I get up and rush to work, I come home from work feeling tired. I laze around all evening, go to sleep, get up and do it again. My weekends are more of the same, but in place of work I sleep half the morning, add some laundry and a thorough bathroom cleaning. I feel like life is just passing by. I need to stop wasting time.
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